christy

there is no big secret that we don't always get along. but i am always reminded that you are the one i want. we sat on the floor in the kitchen last night and talked...and it was so good. i see within the face of our daughter the hope of our love for each other...not in the faces of the past that can't even look at each other.
i was looking through some old journals today, and there is the truth of love written in them that can't get washed away by pride and selfishness...although it sure seems like i am trying hard as hell to test our love...pride and selfishness, sacrifice and selflessness...wrestling for oneness.

i am no poet or lyricist, but these were written from the depths of reality and meaning
this was written before we were married

9-17-00
in times past
when i dreamt
of lovers without face
or name
i woke with such
a feeling
that remains
singular, exact, unique...
love
pure, emotional, passionate
strong, concrete, unwavering.
now i no longer dream
of lovers
yet that feeling
remains
renewed
in you.
you were always the one
i dreamed of.

this was written when you were pregnant with HER

my life on the couch

there it is on the couch,
just sitting there.
my life.
it walked in a minute ago,
tired, weary.
it keeps going
because it has a strong will.
it thinks a lot
of what i don't know.
it takes on a lot
of responsibility.
it laughs
and when it does
there is light and joy
peace
love.
it is real
does not dissemble or lie.
does not even exaggerate,
that would cheapen life.
it puts it's hand
on it's fat belly
and it giggles
at the movement
my baby is making
in it's tummy.

i love my life.

san francisco

so i drove down to san francisco today to check in with my doc about my hand....only to find out that they didn't have the mri results.
so, i spent eight hours on the road...
to hang out in the doctors office for twenty minutes...
for him to flip through my chart and tell me the stupid news...
all this after i called them on tuesday to make sure the results were there!
damn it

oh well...
san francisco was great...foggy and cool, had to wear a jacket...i am really loving going into the city, it's starting to grow on me. christy and i used to meet there for dates and spend all day walking around. i would like to do that again. i think i am geeting pretty lonely in this isolation. we have a lot that others don't but there is a part of me that is neglected and cold much of the time.

anyway...
did some good thinkin'...a little fragmented prayin'...and a lot of listenin'

nick fiedler has a pretty good album, if you click his name on the right column of my blog, his album is on the upper right of his page. there are a couple of songs on there, in particular "my god" changes, changes, changes
also, i just downloaded some cobalt season stuff...if you look on the right and hit ryan sharp, then scroll down 'til you see it on the right....i am really enjoying this as well. the first song on the live album, "begin again," something about the style of this song is hauntingly nostalgic. anyway he has a section in there,
"for all the ways the world is shit
there is so much beauty in all of it
i can't seem to find
everything that haunts my mind
could it be that i'm still blind?"
growing up with an understanding of "the fall" you come away with a sense that nothing is good...but there is much beauty in the world...and that is great and wonderful. recognizing the good does not negate any action to remove the evil, sometimes people react that way when you talk about things like this...it is almost as if they would rather have the world be all bad so it can get wiped away...but there is so much here to transcend and love and show others the bold splendor of god

both ryan and nick give utterance to some of the things i have been unable to put into words...
thank you guys!
incidently, i was turned on to both through the nick and josh podcast, which i have been enjoying. a couple of young guys jawin' about religion, theology, music, movies and other stuff.

she won't let me go

ok so i was listening to ray lamontagne today, and "trouble" was playing when my baby girl got up from a nap. as i was carrying her to go change a diaper the chorus bust in, "i've been saaaaaved by a woman" and it struck me how much my daughter has saved me. the pain and mindscrew that came along with this injury has been completely overshadowed by her and i only have to think of her and it makes me grin like i just discovered something wonderful.

thank you my little love



and to go along with that here are some things i never imagined i would find myself calmly and rationally saying....most of them prefaced by a "no"....

what's in your mouth (like she's gonna answer)
we don't touch that
we don't eat that
that's for the doggies
we don't wear mommies underwear on our heads
don't put your hand down there
that's where it poops from

study break

what do you call it when you are reading blogs and you should be studying or doing the honey-do list?

Mat Weddle of Obadiah Parker -


ok...i know this song is quite pop-infectious....but i have loved it since day 1....it's on my mp3 player...no i didn't say ipod 'cause i don't have one and i don't wanna get sued.
anyway enjoy these... 'cause i sure as hell do!

Hey Ya! Charlie Brown Style

fun

Becky

my friend's daughter becky is, for now, out of the hospital but is still dealing with the infection in her kidneys. she has diarrhea and is still vomiting. the doctors say if she gets dehydrated she will have to go back into the hospital. she is taking a load of anti-rejection medication still and all of her meds are taking a toll on her stomach, so she is bleeding into her stomach. every time i talk with her dad, he is very blunt and sad and says it is not good. still no hope. please still pray.

Jesus Camp

tell me what you think

psst...hit title link

Update & Celebrate

Our friend, Becky, is still in the hospital, although now off of respirator and oxygen. She is still feverish and vomiting but was able to get up and walk around yesterday. Her kidney is infected but still operational. Please continue to pray.

As some of you are reflecting on the significance of the date please take a moment to reflect on a joy of our family and relish in the knowledge of hope in a better world.

URGENT

We have some friends whose twenty-something daughter is dying from her kidney shutting down. She has had a transplant, from her sister, years ago and now that kidney is failing rapidly. The treatment is so aggresive that it would probably kill her. No one has a lot, if any, hope right now. PLEASE pray and ask others to do so.